Yoga Borgo

September 28, 2016

I read the news today O, Boy… I just got my CAT Scan results and…

Contemplating my news...

Well, it’s not the Hollywood ending I was hoping for.  Nice neat little package all wrapped up and finished.  The journey continues….perhaps this is more like a  French film but without the dying part.  I hope that doesn’t sound too morbid but it’s how I felt when I got the news. 

So the official scan report is that I have 2 growths in my lower abdomen.  Bummer as we say.  One on the left side and one on the right…being a Libra I got the balance thing going…lol but not really so funny.  Both were there before so they are not new…I guess that is the good news.  Both are a little bigger so that is the bad news.   Despite the cancer, I actually feel pretty good.  That is more good news.  My energy is less and I’m a bit tired but other than that, I’m close to normal…though normal is a new normal that I am still learning to navigate.

I will have a meeting with the head of oncology this week at the local hospital so we will learn soon what this all means.  At this point, I am not exactly sure.   His name is Doctor Bravi by the way.  What an awesome name!  Bravi is the plural of good or great so that’s a good positive projection.  I am expecting nothing but “great” from him.  I’ll let you know. 

This moment is what we call “Scanxiety”.  A family member recently gave me this term.  It made sense immediately.  Those of you who have had the scans, the MRI’s etc. etc. you know what I am talking about.  The scans create their own anxiety…the anxiety of waiting for the results, hoping they will be good but perhaps they may not be.  Then getting the results and having to wait for the consultation to know exactly what they mean and what the next step will be.  So, learning to deal with lots of “unknowns” in life even though that seems to be what life is all about.  We think we know but often we just don’t. 

Getting news like this is always interesting.  Here you get the scan results on-line.  It is a pretty effective method of getting information but then what do you do with it is the question.  Reading the tests in Italian and translating to English and then going to the dictionary because we don’t know the medical terms.  All a part of the ride. 

It was an interesting moment.  I got the results and was going through the translations with Martina our wonderful local assistant.  As I’m going through the disappointment of the results, my daughter and her partner are on the phone just calling to say hello and 12 guests are arriving for an Enlightened Women Course.  Mamma mia!  When it rains, it pours!   So, put aside the personal, compartmentalize it, and go meet the guests with your best smiley face.  Cancer can teach you a lot about acting. 

Having the guests was actually a great therapy.  No time to get morose.  And they all brought such a wonderful loving energy and so much healing prayers.  So, it all worked out well for me.  That’s another thing about cancer…it’s o.k. to let things be about you.  It’s an important part of the healing process. 

It has been an interesting 6 months.  That’s when I had my big surgery.  It was right on the Spring Equinox.  So, exactly 6 months later on the Autumnal Equinox, I’m getting the results of these past months.  Definitely goes into the “Bummer” category if we are cataloging these events.  I have to admit, my first reaction was, oh sh-t, I have to go back onto the wacky diets.  I was way disciplined for the first 3 months and then stared taking a few liberties here and there.  My “liberties” are pretty tame by normal standards…it means perhaps a gelato every now and then or even a croissant (cornetto in our local speak), wahoo!  So, now it’s back to cucumber juice and Lion’s Teeth Tea (anti-cancer herb) for breakfast…yum!   And, multiple other vegetable juices during the day and lots of cruciferous vegetables.  Bye Bye sugar!  Cancer loves sugar so no more of that…boo hoo!  But, it is worth it. 

I’m praying like a maniac.  Actually that part never stopped.  So, my non-stop prayers continue and I am “upping the ante” on my meditations and pranayama and guided healing relaxations.  They make a big difference for me. 

Keeping positive and keeping relaxed are super important to me. 

I believe they make a huge positive impact on my healing.  Although with the results of my scan, I could be getting a bit cynical at this point. 

That is an emotion I simply cannot afford at this time. 

Now is the time to fight!  I’ve been learning a lot about acceptance and surrender these past 6 months.  I still believe those are super important qualities but now I understand I’ve got to bring more fight into my game.  I won’t say I have been passive but now I’m going to get way more aggressive.  I have my martial arts training from the past and now I bring that to Tiny’s spawn.  You do remember Tiny?  If not, he was my Bladder Cancer.  We got rid of Tiny way back in March but he left a parting gift.  Two of his spawn in my lower abdomen.  Tiny’s spawn won’t get a name.  Nothing nice for them.  They will just be the “spawn of Tiny”.  And Hilda, remember Hilda my Warrior Goddess Inner Healer? She is sharpening her sword for this fight.  Together, we are going to kick the a - - of Tiny’s spawn.

I continue with my meditation to release Fear of the Future.  At this point, I’m not exactly sure what the future will be.  So, that can create a bit of anxiety. Here is that meditation again.  I love it!  After doing it, there is never any fear left…at least for the moment. Enjoy!   (I’m listening to the music for it right now)

Link: http://www.pinklotus.org/KY%20KRI/KRI%20KY%20kriyas/Removing%20Fear.pdf

For the music to listen to for the meditation, here is a link for a beautiful “Dhan Dhan Ram Das Guru” from Terra Naam. Link:  https://www.dropbox.com/s/2k8i0ev1w37xw6b/Dhan%20Dhan%20Ram%20Das%20Guru%20%28long%29.mp3?dl=0

Even though I am ready for a fight…Hilda and I have both unsheathed our swords, I am still meditating on Harmony. A warrior can have that too.  I’ll end here with the lines I quoted once before from the Tao Te Ching: 

the best way to live
is to be like water
for water benefits all things
and goes against none of them
it provides for all people
and even cleanses those places
a person is loath to go
in this way it is just like Tao

live in accordance with the nature of things:
build your house on solid ground
keep your mind still
when giving, be kind
when speaking, be truthful
when ruling, be just
when working, be one-pointed
when acting, remember - timing is everything

one who lives in accordance with nature
does not go against the way of things
he or she moves in harmony with the present moment
always knowing the truth of just what to do

Truth will guide me through all of this.  I’ll let you know how my consultation with Doctor Bravi goes. 

Love, Light and Peace to you all,

Sada Sat Singh